0.3 2D love and rejection

How does one shine in a 2D world of dating sites? It is hard. There are many ‘looks don’t matter’ statements from the women. Men talk of their empathy, presence and stature. But in the 2D world, the main access point is the photograph. What does the other person look like? It’s the entry gate to a discussion. The objectification of the other as a route to self-esteem. Do I want to be seen with this person as a partner?

I recently dipped my toe into a dating site. It’s a UK based one affiliated to a radio station. Some lovely people on there – very different to what I expected based on conversations I’ve had with people on the apps. One female friend calls them ‘the sewers’.

Caveat: I’m not really ready for dating. At all. I had no right being on there, but my thirst for some kind of connection overcame my misgivings. I was just looking….

I fill in the profile details and have to write something about myself – a mini ad for why anyone should choose me. Self promotion, even in this day and age, is difficult for the English. How to shine in 2D? I’m a big man, I have presence. People notice me when I walk in a room. At work, I command respect but am empathetic. I advocate for people in trouble, made redundant. But how do you walk into a 2D room and make an any kind of impression?

The site seems full of women who love horses, live in Kensington and Chelsea and love the outdoors. Have I stumbled on the Country Life dating site? There is a propensity to include pictures of dogs, gardens and an alarming amount of them atop pushbikes, serious pushbikes – lycra, the works.

After a scan of my ‘matches’, I find two women I really like; they appear vibrant, lovely, unbelievably single, in my age range and I message one of them, Willow. I wait. This is not an app and we are not in the world of fast turn around social media here. Nothing. OK. I try another message. I have some of her ‘non-negotiable characteristics’ – no photo and relationship status. I remove one of them – a photograph. I message again with more info about me (I’m trying to shine) and some of the entanglement I am working my way out of right now. Another day passes.

Finally, Willow reads the message. Nothing. I then see her profile has been updated. I go in and see that she has another non-negotiable this time age (I am 10 years older). Oh well. I message her again and say that I have seen it and OK, I will take her off my favourites. My RSD does not like this at all but – what did I expect?

The second woman Court, messages me. She wants to see my profile picture. I add her to my favourites so she can see my profile pictures. Court is a lovely 61 year woman – elegant but real. A photo of her in dungarees with her hair in a plait has me swooning. I just want to curl up with her. I send a more detailed ‘about me’ message. I am light, witty and open. She replies with a one-liner to say she is not a subscriber and can’t respond. I gift her a 3 day subscription. I say: “I may have just paid £10 to find out you think I’m an idiot, but nothing ventured”. Crickets. I message to say OK, I will take her off my favourites. My RSD nosedives…

I message my friend, Signal, send her pictures of the two women.

“Am I punching?” I ask
She replies: “Punching, yes definitely widen your pool, looks-wise. But stay honest about what the dealbreakers are. New isn’t definitely better for sure. Put some thought into the attributes that you MUST have, and consider biding your time until you find them.”
[not what I want to hear – but that’s why I like her – dammit… 🥹]
“You think I’m aiming too high?” I say
“Maybe. You might be missing out on your soulmate who is carrying a few pounds?” she replies
I don’t mind a few pounds – at all. I retort (honestly)
“Then stop exclusively going for skinny Californians! 😂“

Is it all about looks then? They didn’t like the pictures (not my best, I’ll admit – hard to find one of me smiling!). Court had certainly seen something in the ‘small ad’ text that drew her in. Once she saw the goods – it was a no. It’s quite brutal. The whole messaging thing on the site takes forever. When you see they have read your message, its exciting. When they don’t message back, it’s an instant kick in the nuts. But why? The only thing I know about Court is she looks lovely in dungarees, plaits her hair (swoon again) and plays in a Samba band. I’m upset because this woman I liked the look of didn’t like the look of me! I feel the steel of my own petard.

Lurking in this 2D market feels wrong. But I’m back in ‘I gots to know’ territory. Is there someone out there? It is this anxiety that led me to this site. And anyway, what am I actually going to do if someone messages me and wants to meet? I haven’t really thought this through. It’s not a real exercise in finding someone. It’s 2D voyeurism.

I cancel the subscription to the site. It’s just way too much after Helen. More rejection is not what I need. But it’s informative: looks matter – even to me (and most men). We can see a woman across the road and, unfeasibly, say “I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She’s beautiful”.

The erosion of my self-esteem begins pretty quickly. I have never been really ‘fit’. I used to run as a teenager and played rugby in my 20s. But never properly fit or athletic. I was always the fat kid at school. The scars from the locker room remain deep and raw over 50 years later. My hatred for gym teachers is bottomless. The ‘rejection’ abrades these wounds. I look younger than 62 – my kids think I have aged backwards like Benjamin Button. Certainly, pictures of me in my 40s are a bit harrowing. That’s Investment Banks for you. I have to question my own values as much as those of the people who rejected me. I liked what I saw, they didn’t. I have always ‘punched’ but that’s down to presence and personality, emotional IQ. But in 2D, those things have no agency.

A few days later, the 3D world provides an instructive encounter. I visit a physiotherapist. A couple of months ago, I hurt my back, had an MRI and was told to go to a physio which they arrange. I arrive late at the appointment. Rushed. There is no receptionist. I try calling. Nothing. I see a door marked Physiotherapy Office. I knock and a sparky woman with a clipboard opens the doors and, in a mild German accent says: “Name ?” I tell her and she looks at me, raises an eyebrow and says loudly: “too late! Come on” and walks off. I follow. I already like her.

She begins the assessment and asks lots of questions, goes to get the MRI report and hands me a copy. “this is very long. Dr must be new.” It takes a beat but I’m laughing – a lot. It’s exactly the sort of thing I would say. Slowly, over the next 40 minutes I am smitten by this woman: her limbic blue eyes, wide pupils, easy wit and character are magnetic.

It’s hard to say how old she is – definitely in her 50s. If I had seen her photo on the dating site, I would NOT have picked her – at all. But in 3D she is vivid. She exudes personality, humour, warmth. At the end of the session I tell her I think she is an amazing woman. I know. Inappropriate, too much info, oversharing – how many boxes do you have? I ticked em all. She blushes slightly, but I see she is pleased. I shake her hand – it’s firm, warm and we say goodbye.

I book three more appointments the next day. They won’t let me book more.

There are many ‘success’ stories on the website. It is hard to know whether the 2D jumping in point is as effective as the 3D experience. I guess it is an entry barrier but not a foolproof one. I definitely wanted to spend more time with my physiotherapist. We had things in common, some shared employment history, laughed easily. All of that is a more powerful aphrodisiac than a photo – plaits on no plaits.