0.4 The Empty Chair… Helen

Lim, thank you for trying to hear my side of the story. I think it is important. Please don’t take it as rejection. It’s not that simple.

I know everyone thinks it is amazing that I was a model, worked in TV and hung out at Studio 54. I had a look that was, at the time, what people wanted. Short spiky hair, tall, skinny – it almost wasn’t hard. People come up to me even now and ask if I’m an actress. But I don’t see myself like that; I’m a nerd, a geek. Do you remember our first messages on Facebook?

“Not to be melodramatic, but Star Wars shaped my development as a human. I was 13 when the original came out and it completely hooked me. I understand it on a different level now, and it’s such a cool meditation on yin/yang and non-duality.”

I’m serious, I don’t have that self-image and it’s in the past now.

You know about my husbands: both cheated on me. Even the boyfriend I had in between, who I loved, cheated. That’s not a good track record and it hurts. I don’t want to be hurt like that again – ever. And I have Carter to think of – I need to protect him from anymore disruption. I know he’s at uni, but still….

Like I said, it’s 2×4 therapy – get hit around the head enough and the bleeding obvious eventually sinks in. I know you think that is cynical, but it’s where I am. I can’t go there again, not now. Maybe never.

You are right, at times I do want some kind of connection. I’ve had flings, physical really, meeting a need. But that can’t be something between you and I. It could never be casual. We already have too much water between us. I don’t want to talk about it in any depth. I know it’s painful.

When we met at the gallery, I kind of knew it was going to be about what you said at the end of the party. I do love you as a friend. I was shocked when you said you would ‘pull the pin’ on your whole life if you thought you had a shot with me. That is a LOT to process. And it would be so much for both of us to bear – even if it did happen. And I can’t. I’ve been on the other side and it is too painful. I don’t want to be that person. And neither do you Lim. I know that.

I don’t want to talk to you about that side of my life in the way you want me to – we are not connected in that way. I have an inner circle for that, and you are not in that place right now. I know that you care – that is so obvious. I love your empathy and kindness, but I must maintain a boundary to that part of me. Especially from you, now.

Your messages to me were difficult to deal with: that raw emotion. You were heartfelt and sincere. I see that. I’m trying to think if I gave you the wrong signals, why you suddenly ‘fell’. When I introduced you as ‘one of my favourite people’, I meant it. I still do. When you told me you loved me, it crossed a line and I didn’t want to follow. When you held my hand, I just, it was hard. It was a terrible kind of intimacy that felt larger than it should be – your vulnerability. I cried. I didn’t want to leave like that – you were so upset. Its hard to see a man cry like that – in pain, the sadness.

Yes, I have a wall; it’s what has kept me safe. I work every day to chip away at it. It’s my task and I’ll do it in my own way in my own time. I’m not looking for anyone to assist me or provide a shortcut. This wall is what has enabled me to do the work I do with people who have it far, far worse. It’s not all bad. But please don’t think you are saving me or building the foundation for what might be. I am not in that zone with you.

I had to put some distance between us: your hurt was too much for me. It threatened the comfort zone I try to maintain. And what good would it have done anyway? It wouldn’t change things. We would still be where we are now. I won’t change right now. Can’t. You must let go and try to get back on a level with yourself and with Ali. She is so lovely. I want you to re-connect.

Flying to the West Coast to see dad has been exhausting. I need to be there for him. He’s all I have left of mom and that part of my life. I need some peace. Just for a while. Thank you for your good wishes. I know this is difficult for you too because of what happened with your dad. Take care Lim. I’ll see you when I get back.

Helen

Gestalt Empty Chair Therapy

The Empty Chair Technique is a therapeutic practice within Gestalt therapy, where an individual engages in a dialogue with an absent person or part of themselves, represented by an empty chair. This method serves a core purpose: to facilitate self-awareness and resolve internal conflicts or unfinished business.

This was attempt to see things from Helen’s perspective. Some of the words are actually hers. I hope I have kept the tone consistent.

Lim.